Thursday, September 25, 2008

My Clarification

Yesterday I implied--if not outright stated--that having the girls was a big mistake.

Allow me to clarify: Having the girls was a big mistake in timing.

I guess I could have gone back and inserted that little word to the post erasing from the history books the implication that our family is a mistake, but it would erase the sentiments that have been running around here. Namely that this particular situation is hard and tiring.
And we're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

When the time comes, and I'm not sure when that will be, I hope we are brave enough to be honest. No, we did not plan this. No, we wouldn't have chosen this. Not in the TIMING that it came in. No, we don't love you all the same. But let me be clear here. If there is a way to imagine not having any single one of you in my life, I have not found it and don't imagine I will. Moreover, back off because while we are crazy and loud and whiny and exhausted, I'm not really trying to imagine things differently. I hope only that we are able to move through this period with a bit of grace intact.

I love all of you. Fundamentally, I love all of you. The flashes of love that hit me in waves though are very different when it comes to each of you as individuals. When I start thinking ahead to the days where I won't have complete control of your movements, I sometimes wonder about how to protect you from a sometimes scary world. I think about phone number bracelets, taking pictures of you with the digital camera as we head into a public situation, nurturing my four sets of eyes. And when the imaginary rage hits me that something bad could ever happen to any of you, I often imagine Benjamin. Why? Because Benjamin, you are the one that walks into situations with absolute ownership. You are brave and confident and friendly. And I am already proud of that trait for you, but it scares me too. Nicholas. I imagine that our first trip to the emergency room because of a broken bone will be because of you. You experience things with reckless abandon, and it is amazing to watch your energy and your imagination. You'll lead the group into many bouts of trouble no doubt. But those will also be the days where after the punishments are administered, you can bet that your dad and I will be sitting down and marveling over your leadership abilities. All of these things inspire my love and make it rush forward. Elaine did you know that you hide already? I don't blame you in the least although it is frustrating to try to find you at times. Most times girl, I want to hide with you. I want to hunker down, pull you close and hide with you. I imagine that you will be the one that makes me a better woman in the future as I raise this little girl and attempt to be an example of what I hope and dream you can be. Now. Alida. I imagine that you will be the one that starts asking all of these questions in the future. I imagine that you'll be the one that asks who was the hardest baby? who was the easiest baby? who did this first and that last? I imagine that because I look at you and see your mind turning, and it is a bit mischievous. It is a bit like mine, I imagine. I imagine you will push a few limits along the way. I imagine that you will frustrate me because you will know me fundamentally and know just how to do it. And you and I and your grandmother and your future daughter will all one day have something very much in common I would guess.

So now. When I see Benjamin do something reckless. When I see Elaine do something imaginative. When I see Alida do something sweet. And when I see Nicholas do something deliberately, I realize that I have no idea how you all will turn out. And as we quilt together our family over the years please know that I love you all fundamentally, and I love you all for what you are becoming at each step, and I simply love you all. And when I say it was a mistake in timing, I mean that I wish I had more time and wasn't so constantly split between people and tasks so that I could hide with you Elaine, and take you somewhere Benjamin, and play along with you more Nicholas, and sit down and have you pick my brain Alida. That is all.

Now Alida, go to sleep.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay, I guess we can blame it on pregnant hormones, but I'm sitting here crying as I read this. It is great to see the kids through your eyes! Nannying these kids was one of the biggest blessings in my life thus far. I know God led me to you all for a reason and, as hectic as it got at times, I wouldn't give back one second! I miss them everyday.

P.S. Forget Alida picking your brain! Wouldn't you love to pick hers! I can't wait to find out exactly what she's thinking about!

Anna said...

I didn't think that your post from Wednesday was saying that the girls were a mistake. I just thought it was saying you were tired, and it was too many little ones at one time. But I am in awe of you. And a little bit jealous. You have 4 beautiful, smart, fun, individual children who love you unconditionally. And although there is never a dull or quiet moment in your house, I know (and so does everyone else) that you wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything. Not even sleep. You guys do such a great job with them, and someday you'll get to retire and have lots of grandbabies. Then you can sleep all you want and send the kids home with their parents.

The Dukes said...

The mother-love in your heart is, and always was, visibly exponential.

Craziness of childhood as a near quadruplet aside, these four will never be confused about your expectations of them, your hopes for them, or certainly how deeply you love them.

I can't wait to know adult Nicholas, Benjamin, Alida and Elaine. After all is said and done, they are sure to be the witty, sensitive, independent and adaptable people you hope for them to be. I would bet money on it.

Someday they'll all have their first. They will run to you, unable to stop their tears of appreciation for what they can only now begin to imagine you went through...

The Kings said...

There is no doubt here that the Stuber Brood is loved.

I've often thought of the time division your little Brood faces. The days I sit and Emily has my full attention, I do think of how hard it would be to split that minute amount of time with 3 siblings.

But it is this very close time shared among your quads that I know will be the stitches holding your quilt together as the years unfold. I would bet the farm that there will never be four closer siblings found. I'm quite certain that no trial, heartache, celebration or milestone of life will ever be faced by a solo Stuber.

Anonymous said...

Susan, I couldn't even read this post all at one time! If there is anyone out there that thinks you don't LOVE your children, then they can come to Arkansas and...(well, the children will read this one day and I shouldn't use language such as that and you couldn't post it and then it would be just a mess).

BECAUSE of you we OUTSIDERS have come to love "The Brood," because you take time to save each moment they do something or something happens to them to SHARE those moments with us!!

BECAUSE of you and Patric, they will grow to know and understand what words like FREEDOM and LOVE OF COUNTRY, and DUTY mean!! These four little ones have watched Daddy get his gear and leave their lives and have waited patiently until he returns safely to them. AND YOU HAVE BEEN THE GLUE THAT KEPT THEM TOGETHER!!!!!

These four precious little ones will undobutedly ask you millions of questions over the years. But they will NEVER ask you if you love them!!

The quilt that you are sewing will one day cover two grown men and two grown women. Who will one day be parents themselves and will look at this quilt, this wonderful, wonderful quilt full of love and promise and say, "How did Mom and Dad do it all?"

So, "Stubermom" those of use who know, know:) And those who don't, just don't get it!!!